Take heart, trooper. Ben Stokes's side may be heading into the upcoming Ashes Test now 2-0 down, however some remain in English cricket is deterred. Exists one unit perfectly suited for these circumstances, a crack(pot) unit who are arguably the ultimate experts in defeat. Is optimism crushed? Are you crushed beneath the weight of unmet expectation? In that case, enlist with the Barmy Army.
Already, their advance guard are gathering in Adelaide, the city where they officially formed 30 years ago. England's most famous – and for their size most vocal – away supporters will be anticipating an triumphant anniversary upset, reminiscent of the one they witnessed on that mid-90s tour. And no matter the outcome on the pitch, off it the celebrations will be extensive and boisterous.
"The on-field action been very, very disappointing," one founder concedes, "but we're the lucky ones, because we're on holiday. It's perhaps harder for the people at home."
Even a dramatic batting collapse can't shake this group of seasoned campaigners. They've been enduring England's top-order failures since before the latest star took the field. They've seen more spilled chances than key pacemen have Test wickets. Their touring history as an Ashes away contingent stands at: contested many, lost often, won seldom. The people who comprehend how to weather a clean sweep, they are the long-standing fans.
Certainly, for viewers at home, the Barmy Army do seem to be all over this series. Host broadcasters at the grounds often appear more focused on the Barmies than in their own fans. Broadcasters regularly use them as banter-primed prelude to a day's play. Remarkably the cricketers on the field are heralding them, as a supporter portraying a royal figure conducting a chorus of a well-known tune.
It's possible that the Barmy Army's mix of longevity and ubiquity has now overshadowed quite how stunning their dominance of away support has been. In the early 1990s a handful followers were brought together in comical self-deprecation at England's dismal away record. Today their reputation is so intertwined with the national team that their boisterous, "unique" crowd is practically part of the furniture. They've definitely come a great distance since the initial chants.
One veteran recalls the eager expectation of the opening day of that pioneering tour. With the hosts making a strong start, he initiated a modest conga in the stands, teasing the Australian supporters with a song about historical figures. "Home supporters hurled abuse at us, then threw plastic cups – the treatment that we occasionally encounter today," he remembers. "However when we got back our modest following of England followers had all participated."
After defeat, England's tour continued to struggle. Those travelling with the team around the country was considered barmy indeed. When it came to the Melbourne and Sydney matches their crowd had increased to the hundreds. The players, however, genuinely enjoyed their support at the grounds. When England pulled off a face-saving victory, a senior player summoned a Barmy Army figure up to the victory celebration to join in the revelry. That bond remains.
Furthermore, the significant volume the Barmy Army can attract are as attractive to the English game as they are to overseas venues. For this series alone, their organised trips will host a large number of fans on tour. A variety of celebrations are organised for the 30th anniversary.
This is, after all, an entity born of fan enthusiasm and commercial nous. The logic they mark their founding to a specific Test is because that was when they started selling souvenir shirts. The first small batch was so instantly popular – and financially rewarding – that it began a lasting enterprise. From that point, the driving forces have helped turn a fan community into an respected tour operator.
That creates its own issues, particularly at a time when sport is attempting to move beyond some of its rowdy image. The Barmy Army's leadership are keen to point out that a significant portion of their supporters on tour are now women. With societal shifts, the vocals have had to get cleaner, too. "Language that were acceptable 30 years ago you cannot utter today, and that's absolutely right," says a spokesperson. "We can't tell someone how to behave individually, but we will not promote songs that are offensive."
Will the Barmy Army become more sedate? The mean age of fans is now nearing their fifth decade – mirroring the founders themselves, who have been happy to step away from the management. One founder is experiencing this tour purely as a supporter – leaving newer staff to run the Barmy Army's digital presence. "You forget how hard it used to be to organise with each other," he laughs. "Our method was all by word of mouth – 'everyone's going to the pub!'"
As for this Ashes series, the impossible dream of a 3-2 turnaround persists, which is typical of their spirit indeed. And if England do lose in Adelaide … well, South Africa next Christmas is always an option.
A gaming industry analyst with over a decade of experience in slot technology and market trends, based in Berlin.